Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
