someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?