K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!