Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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