I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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