Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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