dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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