Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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