I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
