Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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