I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Four minutes until I can fart!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
