watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
