it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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