checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
