you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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