I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
