im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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