No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
