Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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