I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
