mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
