like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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