Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
