yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
