Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
