i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
