She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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