You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
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Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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