Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize