I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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