Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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