I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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