Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
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