Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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