saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
