yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
