Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
