i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
