I'm lost and stupid without you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
