I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
