I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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