lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
