you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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