when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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