That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
