hotel room ftw
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
