You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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