to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
