I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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