i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
