My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
