i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
