yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
