Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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